MORRIS HILLS VS. MORRIS KNOLLS
VARSITY BOYS BASKETBALL
THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 7 P. M., DENVILLE

Commerce Grinds to a Halt in the Rockaways, Wharton and Denville Prior to Historic Hoops Tilt; Experts Baffled by Record Trading Volume in Hot-Dog Futures

EDITOR’S NOTE: Earlier this week, we joined Rocky Walifer at the Thai Nam Phet Restaurant at 296 Route 46 East in Rockaway Borough for a bowl of spicy Tom Yum Gai soup, Pad Khing Sod chicken, and some equally-tasty conversation about the upcoming Morris Hills-Morris Knolls varsity boys basketball game.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: So here we are, meeting again to talk about another Morris Hills and Morris Knolls matchup.

ROCKY WALIFER (grunting): We’re a union that defies common sense. As Hannibal Lecter warned Clarice Starling, “People will say we’re in love.”

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: What is it with you and “The Silence of the Lambs?”

ROCKY WALIFER: Just one of my many morbid obsessions.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Like having an old friend for dinner?

ROCKY WALIFER: Now that’s a delicious-sounding idea that runs toward my taste, especially since you’re already eating like you’re going to the electric chair

NJAC SPORTS CENTER (wiping his brow as a tiny squirt of stomach acid launches itself into the back of his throat): Speaking of obsessions and shocking observations, what do you see happening when your two favorite teams in the universe meet on the basketball court later this week?

ROCKY WALIFER: Not to understate, but expect a barn-burner featuring the two most equally-matched contingents of Morris Hills and Morris Knolls cagers in history.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: That’s big talk.

ROCKY WALIFER: But true. The only matchup that remotely approaches the balance of power that exists among this year’s squads was when the two schools met in the final round of the Morris County Tournament in 1976.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: And?

ROCKY WALIFER: And I’m so old I have a Methuselah rookie card. But ancient history aside, the only point of agreement between fans and followers of Morris County’s own version of the Hatfields and McCoys is that any attempt to analyze this year’s cage contest presents an enigma wrapped in a conundrum.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Sounds almost Freudian. So with those introductions out of the way, how might each team approach this matchup?

ROCKY WALIFER: Morris Hills’ first order of business may be to ask: “How do you solve a problem like Tyler Daniel?” Arguably, if the Scarlet Knights can tame Tyler they’ll be one big step closer to boarding the bus home from Denville singing “Pants on the Ground” and ensuring the hills are alive with the sound of music as they roll back to Rockaway.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Okay, but just how do you solve a problem like Tyler Daniel?

ROCKY WALIFER: Operator! Get me the number for 911! Although it’s kind of like figuring out how you know when you’re out of invisible ink, the touchstone of any Scarlet Knights’ answer, at least from a defensive perspective, may start with the multi-talented, regally-named V. Simpson Turner, III, or the doggedly-determined Azem Koliq, who’s faster than a meeting with a subliminal advertising executive. The thing I like about Azem is that when he’s in the game, you know something is going to happen … and the majority of the time it ends up being something good. He has a fire in his belly and it’s no mere coincidence that he led the state in single-game reception yardage last year in football. Don’t be surprised if Coach Joe Ansaldi tweaks his zone defense to allow either or both V. and Koliq to spend the bulk of their playing time in TD’s grill with orders to stick to him and identify his preferred brand of chewing gum.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: And what might be the first order of business facing Morris Knolls?

ROCKY WALIFER: The Golden Eagles will be challenged to deal with the Scarlets’ aggressive defense, their quickness and tenaciousness, and by the cold, hard fact that every Hills’ baller on the court or on their bench can play. Check out the history of box scores this year for the Red and White and you’ll see consistent evidence of an incredibly-balanced attack that involves a diverse cast of characters. Then again, it wouldn’t be a stretch to make the same observation about the Green and Gold, especially after witnessing the multi-faceted attack last Friday that was highlighted by the inspired play of three underclassmen with fresh legs who came off the pines and opened up a can of shock and awe that pinned back the horns of a very respectable Randolph Rams club. All of which, of course, just illustrates why this contest is so intriguing.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: So how might one approach the problems presented by MoHills?

ROCKY WALIFER: For starters, MK mentor Ken Ferrare needs to drive the Knolls’ five to mirror their sister school by eating the floor diving for loose balls and otherwise displaying an utter disregard for their bodies and personal safety. Make no mistake, the Golden Eagles play very hard and really hustle. But, the Scarlet Knights may just wratchet it up another notch.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Is that all?

ROCKY WALIFER: Hardly. The Golden Eagles are no one-trick pony. For example, the Knolls’ Mike Boylan can nail the trifecta. So, if his hand heats, the Scarlets could get scorched and end up folding faster than Superman on laundry day.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Regarding hands, so far it sounds like the Knolls may have the better one.

ROCKY WALIFER: Get a hold of yourself. Do you think I’d have invited you here to singe your nostril hairs with Thai food if analyzing this game was so simple?

NJAC SPORTS CENTER (falling into a fit of coughing and expectorating something not-quite-right into a hankie, then guzzling a Nebuchadnezzar-sized pitcher of ice water and potentially-lethal quantities of Mountain Dew): It sounds like you may have a few more burning points to make.

ROCKY WALIFER: One would be that as talented as MK’s Tyler Daniel is, oddsmakers in Vegas and Atlantic City are saying that the Hills’ V. Simpson Turner, III, or “Trips,” as his friends call him, stacks up nicely against him. Some observers opine that V. can do everything TD can do on offense and, as previously stated, should be able to stay face-to-face with him on defense. They really are both two fine players. But the thing that’s especially impressive about V., which may set him apart from anyone else on the court following ball-up, is that he plays a significiant portion of the game a half-foot or so above the rim. This is important since, as I’ll elaborate a bit more on later, the final outcome could likely be decided by which team dominates inside the paint.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Okay. You’ve convinced me, at least for the moment, that V. could stand for victory for MoHills, but is that it?

ROCKY WALIFER: Not by a long shot. And speaking of long shots, we’ve talked about the Knolls’ Boylan getting hot from outside the arc, but the Scarlets have their own sharphooter in the personage of Matt ”Purple” Hayes, an honor-roll student who demonstrated his own brand of marksmanship in connecting on 5-for-6 three-balls from the suburbs in the first quarter against Lenape Valley earlier this year. In addition, MH’s Cory Mundt is capable of raining a potent triplet or two. Plus, “The Mundtster” is another one of the bevy of impressive Hills’ ball-handlers who, along with V. and Koliq, has the quickness, toughness, and desire to disrupt the fiery Boylan and other MK perimeter shooters.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Things are starting to sound interesting. Tell me more.

ROCKY WALIFER: The Knolls has another nice player in Marc “Yukon Dunk” DeFeo, another honor-roll student. In December it appeared he was on sabbatical, possibly matriculating due to an injury, while making mad chips through his rumored involvement as the assistant to the assistant manager of a fledgling, local club basketball team. The team, composed of a band of renegade Denville stallions recently fired from their volunteer positions as substitute bell-ringers for a militant faction of the Salvation Army, is allegedly owned by the fabulously-rich and reclusive trio of Lee Burned-Beyond Recognition, a titan of industry whose corduroy pillows have recently made headlines; Craine T. Eyebrow-Smeller, author of the bestselling mystery thriller “Who Cut the Cheese?”; and Dr. Emerson T. Poisonair, the Holdbreath Professor of Gastroenterology at the University of American Standard, who authored a leading treatise on bathroom reading. In any event, it’s great to see “Yukon Dunk” has returned to the floor with beating heart, shaking off the cobwebs, shedding blood, and back in the saddle for the Knolls again, since he’s a cool and calm presence, totally immune from kryptonite, and an excellent ball-handler, who can also score and play CRush-ing defense.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: What about the down-low on the the big boys?

ROCKY WALIFER: What about a little Calvinist self-denial Homeslice? There’s plenty of time to talk about the tall timbers. But for now, I can’t stress enough that when the final story about this contest is written, any one of the guys on either team that dresses for this game has the potential to seal the deal for his team. For instance, the Hills’ Derrick “Mt.” Washington, who looked screepy-good in a recent game against West Morris; Michael Lambusta, who hammered home a team high 12 points in a recent win over High Point and 10 last week, highlighted by burying a pair of 3’s, against Par-Hills; and Ranell Bell, who has been ringing it up lately, have all impressed. Similarly, the Knolls’ Conor Lovett; Kevin Miller; Esaun Mobley, who joined Daniel and Boylan on the Morris Knolls Holiday Tournament’s All-Tournament Team; Ryan “Professor” Pattis, another honor-roll student; Jordan Harvey; and Bruce “Hold The” Mayo, who was an important contributor in the recent big win against Randolph, are all highly-capable condiments that season and enhance the Knolls’ attack.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: It sounds like a savory mix.

ROCKY WALIFER: As good as Lipton Cup-a-Soup in a bowl. And it just gets tastier when you stir in some of the personnel in the paint. Knolls’ senior Conor ‘The Truth” Nolan, yet another honor-roll student, is extremely strong down under and appears to provide a steady confidence to the club when he’s on the floor. Rangy junior Rob “Pistol Pete” Sinegra, who looks as if he should be Hanging Ten off a longboard on the Pipeline, is a quiet but ferocious competitor who immensely impresses with his calm, workmanlike and heady play at both ends of the court and his stellar performance at the charity stripe under pressure, qualities which may likely have been the deciding factor in the big win against Randolph. MK’s strong inside attack also features the towering and talented sophomore Niko Kotolous, a fan favorite, who consistently posts double figures, including a pair of double-doubles this season against Par-Hills and Randolph. It is imperative that the Hills’ big men stop “Neek” from taking it to the hole in his sneaky, slithering, snake-like fashion. In addition, it bears mention that, as and when needed, Daniel and Boylan have the skills to regularly clear the window. Switching gears, the Hill’s inside attack features senior Dan “Dr. K.” Kasper, who can shred the thread and has gotten visibly stronger and more aggressive since last season; junior Antonio Castro, who can be a dictator under the rack and has a feathery-soft short jumper; and strapping sophomore Evan Staikos, who has logged quality minutes in several contests this season. All this said, the Hills may be at a slight size and strength disadvantage in the paint, which could be compounded by the challenge of snuffing Kotoulas’ firepower on offense. The Golden Eagles’ greatest challenge, the success of which may ultimately determine the outcome of the contest, may involve not sleeping on Washington, Bell, and Turner inside.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Despite your epic-scale fence-sitting, it sounds like you might be subtly implying the Golden Eagles have the advantage underneath and overall.

ROCKY WALIFER (smiling): Pump your brakes cuz, although I’ll admit my pick to win changes depending on which team I last saw play. Another difficulty in analyzing this clash, besides the fact that the talent of the two teams is essentially equal, is that their style and pace of play is somewhat different. However, all this aside, when thinking about the contest, I’m reminded of the title of the poem by W. H. Auden, “Who’s Who.” To that end, who shows up Thursday? The MH team that looked so impressive against Montville? The MK team that shined against Pope John and Randolph? Only time will tell. But the thing that’s near-certain is the outcome of the game will be determined by who wins the war in the paint.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Any thoughts on the venue?

ROCKY WALIFER: Plenty, especially since the only person, notice the singular, who may conceivably read a word of this interview will be associated with one of the two schools we’re talking about.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER (taking a deep breath): You may proceed, the floor is yours so long as you finish sometime before the next Cinco De Mayo.

ROCKY WALIFER: The Knolls has always been a great place to catch a basketball game at and an even better place to play. Nevertheless, because of its extreme size, and the use of stands on only a single side of the gym (which wasn’t always the case, but that’s a story for another day) it can feel like you’re playing in a giant, relatively-empty airplane hangar. And to complicate matters, there’s an enormous empty space between the baskets and the walls behind the baskets.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: I’m not following the dimensions of your point.

ROCKY WALIFER: Before you activate your rage gland, the point is that the vast open space behind the baskets creates a perception of depth when you’re shooting that is unlike virtually any other that a player will ever encounter in any other gymnasium. Furthermore, the Knolls’ rims have always been rather tight and unyielding and the glass backboards aren’t the softest or most forgiving either.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER (laughing): So is a Congressional investigation underway?

ROCKY WALIFER: Not yet, my sweet chinchilla.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER (awake but completely inert by now, like a patient etherized on a table): I like the way your mind malfunctions but before the top of my head blows off and spins around on the floor like a deflated balloon, based on your inchoate, tortured description, it sounds like the answer to my original question asked a lifetime or so ago is that the rather unique ergonomics of the Knolls’ house that you describe offer a distinct advantage to the home team.

ROCKY WALIFER: Allow me to momentarily eschew obfuscation and say, in so many words, no. To anyone other than those who spent four winters of their teenage lives in the Knolls’ gym, it might seem to be the case. But it isn’t. As any former Knolls’ baller without a squadron of pigs sailing over his head will tell you, the idiosyncracies of the gym don’t diminish with time, experience or familiarity.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Well, at least your diatribe about the MK gym, its backboards, and rims had a point [long pause] … I think. Another intangible could involve the crowd. Your thoughts?

ROCKY WALIFER (a salty tear dribbling down his cheek): I don’t mean to be an emotional exhibitionist and I know you already think I’m at odds with normalcy, but despite the fact that the contest we’re discussing today will be held in MK’s house, as a former Golden Eagle it pains me more than a two-handed wedgie to confine my answer to advising you to expect a mob of Morris Hills’ students mutilating their vocal chords for 32 minutes.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Are you torn between which teams’ stands to sit in?

ROCKY WALIFER: Not really, since I won’t be in attendance due to an appointment for a pedicure at the Top Nail Studio in the Quick Chek Plaza in Rockaway the night of the game, followed by a stop to grab some take-out from the nearby No. 1 Chinese Food.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Any other observations?

ROCKY WALIFER: Beside the fact that my dog sometimes actually eats the take-out if I haven’t fed him for a week or so, no matter what the final outcome of this game is or what these teams’ records are or end up being, every guy who laces up the biscuits on Thursday is a winner. In addition, you can bank on more tight roundball matchups between these two teams in upcoming years, since a significant number of talented players on both teams are only sophomores and juniors. However, there won’t be another matchup like this year’s in any of our lifetimes.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Final question. Knowing your epicurean tastes, we wondered if you’ve heard the whispers that we have about a hot-dog eating contest between students of the rival schools that will be held during halftime at the MK concession stand?

ROCKY WALIFER: No, probably because I’m partial to the stand’s Slim Jims. But it sure sounds like a mouthful, as well as an incredibly impressive extracurricular activity to add to a college application.

NJAC SPORTS CENTER: Spoken like another honor-roll student. Let’s say good night Rocky.

ROCKY WALIFER: Good night Rocky.